Things these past couple weeks have been pretty rough. I'm not trying to complain or anything, but it's the truth. Part of me believes that it's his fault, but the other half thinks it's all my doing instead..
I have come to the realization that I really & truly dislike the person I am. I'm not a bad person by any means. I don't drink, I don't do drugs and I don't sleep around with random people & hang out with complete losers. I'm just a perfectionist.. And it's all due to the fact that I don't want to be anything like my parents.
I don't want to live in filth & nastiness like I did when I was younger, I absolutely loathe being late anywhere & everywhere I go, and I positively dislike anything uncertain. My mother (who is my bestfriend, but didn't used to be as good of a woman as she is now) was bipolar & undiagnosed when I was little, therefore she didn't care about cleaning or basically anything but how sad and lonely she was, and we were always in debt or owed people money for something. I hated that. I had over 50 tardies in only one year of elementary school and that never really stopped when I was with her. She never had a plan for anything at any time, so it always felt like I was lost & didn't know what to do.
Another thing... I want my boyfriend/fiance/husband or whatever to be a responsible man who cares for me and wants to help me with whatever problems I might have. That's because I saw how my father was with his numerous wives (3 to be exact, but I was the product of the second). He sat his hind end on the couch, or whatever was closest to the TV, and didn't do anything. Yeah.. he worked, but that's not all that goes into a family, household, and relationship.
I just feel like all of the things that I've seen go down have made me into the perfectionist I am today. And I don't like it. It just seems like I'm bringing myself down every day because nothing is going to be as 'right' as I want it to be. And I know that I'm making the people around me miserable too. I want to change. I just don't know how. I want Sam to be happy that I'm his girlfriend and not have to feel like he has to walk on eggshells when he's around me. I just want to love, and I feel like I'm doing a crappy job of it.
I wish I could redo things from December of 09' til now. I was so happy at that time. It was unreal.. Then things changed. I want to do it all over..
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