Day One: 10 Things About Me

 

1. I love Jesus, but I fail Him every day, and I sometimes have a really hard time staying by His side. It's kind of a daily struggle with me..

2. My mother is my best friend. Weird, I know. But she's the only one I have told every single thing to. JamieLynn is my bestfriend that's my age and she's the one I hang out with and talk to about pretty much everything. But my Mama holds no judgement. Ever.

3. I'm a perfectionist with my life. Like, not with things. I like organization, but it don't have to be perfect.

4. I am a perfectionist with life because I try daily to be the exact opposite of my parents. I don't wanna be in debt, have a messy house that smells like animals, and not have a steady job/life until I'm 50. I also want to be in a happy & healthy relationship, which neither of my parents have been able to have. Ever.

5. I feel like my life is never going to start, like I'm always busting my butt to get somewhere, but right as I actually get there, it's gonna be too late or the Lord is gonna come back or something. Lame, I know.

6. Almost every song or part of every song I hear reminds me of something or someone in my life. I have a song for pretty much every important person. Haha.

7. I love babies. Don't freak. I'm not having any of them any time soon. But they are the most precious thing in the world to me.

8. I like old-timey names like Jack, Lucy, Jane, & Felix. I think they're great:)

9. Sometimes I think I trust people too easily. And sometimes when that happens, it bites me in the buttocks.

10. I have a great boyfriend that still has a LOT of growing up to do, but I love him anyway. He thinks I'm beautiful when God & everybody else knows I don't. I think my face is pretty sometimes, but not really the rest of me. But he thinks I'm perfect just like I am. I've never had that before and it's still hard to believe I have it and it's not going anywhere.

I Wish I May, I Wish I Might...

Things these past couple weeks have been pretty rough. I'm not trying to complain or anything, but it's the truth. Part of me believes that it's his fault, but the other half thinks it's all my doing instead..

I have come to the realization that I really & truly dislike the person I am. I'm not a bad person by any means. I don't drink, I don't do drugs and I don't sleep around with random people & hang out with complete losers. I'm just a perfectionist.. And it's all due to the fact that I don't want to be anything like my parents.

I don't want to live in filth & nastiness like I did when I was younger, I absolutely loathe being late anywhere & everywhere I go, and I positively dislike anything uncertain. My mother (who is my bestfriend, but didn't used to be as good of a woman as she is now) was bipolar & undiagnosed when I was little, therefore she didn't care about cleaning or basically anything but how sad and lonely she was, and we were always in debt or owed people money for something. I hated that. I had over 50 tardies in only one year of elementary school and that never really stopped when I was with her. She never had a plan for anything at any time, so it always felt like I was lost & didn't know what to do.

Another thing... I want my boyfriend/fiance/husband or whatever to be a responsible man who cares for me and wants to help me with whatever problems I might have. That's because I saw how my father was with his numerous wives (3 to be exact, but I was the product of the second). He sat his hind end on the couch, or whatever was closest to the TV, and didn't do anything. Yeah.. he worked, but that's not all that goes into a family, household, and relationship.

I just feel like all of the things that I've seen go down have made me into the perfectionist I am today. And I don't like it. It just seems like I'm bringing myself down every day because nothing is going to be as 'right' as I want it to be. And I know that I'm making the people around me miserable too. I want to change. I just don't know how. I want Sam to be happy that I'm his girlfriend and not have to feel like he has to walk on eggshells when he's around me. I just want to love, and I feel like I'm doing a crappy job of it.

I wish I could redo things from December of 09' til now. I was so happy at that time. It was unreal.. Then things changed. I want to do it all over..

What I Want..

I've hung around a lot of people here recently, and they just happen to be in relationships. Not only that, but things have just come to my mind recently that I can't let go of.. What I want out of life, and the kind of guy I want to spend it with. I have a guy who has been great to me for the most part, but we've been struggling here for a while. I just wanna know if there is any way he can be the man I want to share the rest of my life with. Here is what I've come up with so far..

Physical

1. I'm not really a big fan of skinny guys. I prefer the teddy bear type:)

2. Eye color isn't a big deal to me, but I like dark hair. Idk what it is about dark hair, but it's very attractive to me.

3. I hope I'd have a guy taller than me considering I'm only 5' 6". Haha.

I'm not that picky about looks, really. It's more about what's inside that counts to me..

 

Not-Physical Qualities

1. A man that loves God. It's hard being with a guy that doesn't love Jesus the way I do. There is nothing sexier than a man that loves Jesus:) Haha.

2. I want a man that is strong-willed.

3. Someone who can make up his mind and stick to it.

4. Someone determined to complete goals he wants to achieve.

5. A guy who, when I decide to freak out and get ticked off, will come grab me by the shoulders and be like, "Shut up!! Calm your butt down, and talk to me about this junk!!"

6. A MAN!! There's a difference between a boy and a man. Seriously.

7. A man who is responsible with his time and money and doesn't blow it on things that aren't really needed. I can see spending a little, cuz heck! I'm a girl. I like shopping. But I know my limits.

8. I like a cuddler. I believe that's like my favorite thing in the world. Haha. Feeling special and wanted is a great feeling:)

9. HONESTY!!! I seriously cannot stress that enough. Don't lie to me. Cuz it's terribly hard to get it back with me. Idk why. That's just how I am. I'd rather be hurt by the truth or get mad at hearing the truth, than I would for a guy to lie to me about it!

10. A sweet, funny guy. But at the same time, a guy that can be serious when the situation calls for it.

 11. I would like a guy to want to work, of course. And be able to take care of a family. I know the woman's part is to take care of the house and stuff, but it would be nice if there was help. I guy who didn't mind cleaning up after himself or maybe doing a sink of dishes if I haven't been able to get to it yet. I really don't like having to clean up after people. I'm not a mother yet.

This list is not necessarily in the order of importance.. Except for #1 :)

Don't Go Back..

I'm not saying much. Because if I did.. it would be a bunch of complaints. And I don't wanna be one of those people. I've had to deal with a few of those, and they can be quite annoying.

I just know that right now, I need my Jesus.

I need my strength. Because at this moment, I am so weak.

The old me is wanting to come back. The one who needs to be in control. I just need to remember what it felt like at camp. I need that peace. I WANT that peace. My Jesus.. I'm calling your name. You said you'd be there. I know you are.

"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me."

~John 14:1

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."

~John 14:8

Songs of the Day:)

I was riding in the car with my bestfriend:) on the way back from the most amazing preaching I had heard in a long time, and these songs came on the radio and pretty much made me cry. Just knowing God loves me this much. It's unreal that He can love a person this much. A person who sins against Him every day. My God's amazing, He is!

There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if you want them to
I will follow you, I will follow you.
I will follow you.

-Mikeschair- 

When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
And it seems like no one in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call my name and I'll be there
You just call my name and I'll be there

Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive

-Third Day-

But I have found in you
A heart that bleeds forgiveness
Replacing all these thoughts of painful memories
And I know your response will always be...
I'll take you back, always
Even when your fight is over now
I'll take you back
Even when the pain is coming through
I'll take you back

-Jeremy Camp-

   

"He looks passed your sin and sees your faith."

James Ashe:)

Hmm...

I have realized that I need to take more pictures. Or at least have more pictures of me. I got to lookin' through all my pictures that I have in my computer, and none of them are any good. They are all from like eons ago! And most of them are taken with friends or something. Not that having pictures with friends is a bad thing. I just wish I were better at taking pictures of myself, or looked good enough when I remembered to take them. Haha. 

Well... My life right now consists of school and work. It's kinda boring considering all I do is study and work. But all of this is just the pathway for my future in Medical Assisting. My prayer is that it's worth it. And I believe that with God's guidance, and my obedience to Him, it will all work out in the end. 

Pray for Sam, my boyfriend.

I want him to find & love Jesus more than anything else in this world right now. I want God to deal with his heart until he can't take it anymore. Until he just screams to the rooftops that Jesus is his Savior & Lord of his life. That would be probably the greatest day in my life. And I know God can make that happen! It's all about 

 FAITH:)

It's Times Like This...

...That Can Make Me Smile When Nothing Else Can:)

I love you JamieLynn!